Upon the request of my loving father, I set aside some time this morning to do the unthinkable: find a job. And as I will be graduating in May, I myself must admit that, folks, it’s about that time.

Now, one might find a job search difficult when one does not know what one wants to do. Enter: The Princeton Review Career Quiz.

The quiz poses 25 would-you-rather questions, chews up your answers, and then spits out your future in seconds.

For years, I’ve wondered, what was I, Allie Rubenstein, put on this Earth to do? And now, I was just a few clicks away from the answer.

First question: “I would rather be a wildlife expert” or “I would rather be a public relations professional.”

Okay, Allie, don’t rush this. Let’s think it through. On the one hand, you do love animals. But do you really love animals? I think you just love your dog. But on the other hand, public relations doesn’t sound so great either. I mean, let’s be honest, you tend to dislike the public, so relations with them might not be the best way to go. Is this question just asking me what I like more, animals or people?

Answer: I would rather be a wildlife expert.

Next question: “I would rather be an auditor” or “I would rather be a musician.”

Um, would I rather be the most boring person ever or wear leather pants and receive fan mail? How is this even a question?

Whoa, there, Allie, slow down. You don’t even know what an auditor is. Something with money? I see the root AUD which has to do with hearing. Is this question asking me if I want to be playing the music or listening to the music? If I want to be the leader or the follower? Of course, I want to be the leader. But can I be the musician if I don’t really play an instrument? Sure, I dabbled with piano back in the day. I even toyed with the clarinet for a while, who didn’t? Oh, you didn’t? Ha ha, me neither, I was kidding, ha ha. Nerds. 

The point is, in the words of Gabriella Montez, “Dreams were meant for sleeping.” And let’s not forget who’s saying this. The girl’s a math genius, the lead in her high school musical, and she got into Stanford.

Stan. Ford.

Not to mention she snagged the hottest guy at school! Allie, if her dreams are meant for sleeping, yours are meant for afterlife.

Gosh, I miss that movie. 2006. What a time to be alive. Couldn’t pay me to go back though, except to tell myself to stop wearing my dad’s COACH sweatshirt to school.

“Allie, I totally know what vibe you’re going for—that cool, baggy, older brother’s sweatshirt look—and while I so commend you on your effort to be trendy without a Juicy Couture tracksuit and Uggs, what you’re actually achieving is the why-is-she-wearing-her-dad’s-sweatshirt-as-a-dress look. And seeing as you do, in fact, have an older brother, why exactly are you wearing your dad’s sweatshirt as a dress?”

A dark time it was.

Wow, isn’t it fun and easy to get distracted while talking about jobs? Back to the quiz.

Answer: I would rather be a carpenter.

Answer: I would rather be a safety manager. (Wasn’t sure what this was, but safety has always been really important to me.)

All of a sudden, the questions get harder: “It is wise to make it known if someone is doing something that bothers you” or “It is wise to remain silent if someone is doing something that bothers you.”

Well, Allie, guess warm-up’s over. It’s go-time. Do you open up or bottle up?

Isn’t the answer that it depends on the situation? If Sally is chomping on carrots at her desk that’s next to mine, then I would say, yeah, it would be wise of me to let Sally know that she should eat her carrots in the bathroom if she ever wants to have anything resembling a friendship with me. But if, say, a member of my family is constantly speaking to me in a patronizing tone, that would be the sort of thing to keep quiet about and seek therapy for later when the resentment becomes unbearable.

Then there is the question that is obviously asking me if I want to be a lawyer: “I don’t like to have to persuade others to accept my ideas when there is a strong forceful opposition or argument from others” or “I like to sell and promote my ideas with others even when it takes some argument.”

In other words, do you like fighting or nah?

We’ve really come a long way from wildlife expert, haven’t we?

Once I finish the quiz, my “style” is described to me in a few ambiguous sentences. My colors are blue and yellow, which represent “planning” and “administrating.”

I scroll down and read the list of applicable work fields. It includes composing, mediating, and inventing.

Inventing? Who am I, Thomas Edison? I can’t invent anything. Everything’s already been invented. Straws, iPods, the cotton gin, iPod cases, bow tie pasta. You name it, it’s been done!

Same problem with composing. Every song I know has already been written.

It’s tough out there. It’s confusing and time consuming to look for a job that aligns with your passions.

Especially when your passions are snacking, following the lives of the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills cast, and blogging during your designated job search time.