Dear Shaggy,

Today I was on the train listening to the “My Boo” station on Pandora when “It Wasn’t You” came on, which was exciting because I love the song. Really, you should know that I do love it. It’s incredibly catchy and allows for someone who’s bad with lyrics to participate in a meaningful duet by responding with “It wasn’t me” to ample evidence that it was, in fact, him.

But—of course, you had to know there was a but coming—despite my love for the melody and accessibility, I do have some qualms with the song.

For those unfamiliar with the plot, Shaggy’s friend, Rikrok, tells Shaggy that his girlfriend just caught him cheating on her with the girl next door. Shaggy tells him to deny it, even when Rikrok tells him that she literally saw it happening and was able to obtain video evidence.

Rikrok starts off by telling you that he doesn’t know how he let this happen. But Shaggy, he knows exactly how he let this happen. He told both of us three times over the next three minutes how he let this happen.

He forgot that he had given her an extra key.

That’s really what all of this comes down to. Had he remembered this pretty significant detail, they could have gone to her place, or gotten a hotel for the night.

I was also disappointed that, as Rikrok’s friend, you neglected the issue of what went wrong in the relationship. At some point, Rikrok had felt ready to take things to the next level, to give his girl a key.

Maybe they’d just had a good few months together. He cooked her dinner on the counter; she told him she loved him on the sofa; he bought her a camera for her birthday.

All of these ordinary objects to which sentiment and memories were attached became props for his transgression.

What I really want to know, Shaggy, what he needed you to ask him, was when did the relationship fall apart? And why? Did he stop trying? Did she? How did it get so bad that he literally forgot she had a key?

I also took issue with the fact that he wanted you to picture them butt-naked kissin’ (let’s be clean here, people) on the bathroom floor.

Why does he want you to picture it? And furthermore, how clean is his bathroom floor? Sounds to me like a recipe for pinworm or a slew of other anal infections. Then he’ll really need to make amends with his girl because he’ll need her to apply his rectal cream.

Bet the girl next door wouldn’t do that for him.

Though, really, anything is possible. For all I know, the girl’s a proctologist and it’d be a good day if all she had to do was stick cream up someone’s ass.

I just don’t understand why they had to be on the bathroom floor. I mean, if the bed is boring, fine. But I know for a fact that the man has a sofa!

And, why, I will never understand, did you tell Rikrok that his girlfriend would hardly recollect the past, and then leave to attend noontime mass?

I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but if I saw my boyfriend kissin’ on the sofa with another girl, I’d be recollecting pretty clearly, and I’d definitely be skipping Shabbat services that night.

Now, because I’m a Writing major and I know how tough sitting through workshops can be, I do want to give you positive feedback.

I was intrigued by your assertion that by granting his girl access to his villa, Rikrok allows her to become both a trespasser and a witness (as he clings to his pillow).

This led me to wonder—in the voice of Carrie Bradshaw—can we be trespassers even if we are given a key? If anyone knows the legal answer to this question, feel free to comment below. Personal anecdotes are encouraged.

I also really liked the thing you said about how you have to know how to play in order to be a true player. This provided much needed clarity on a critical, yet often overlooked, topic.

And finally, I was glad to hear that, in the end, Rikrok came clean and disregarded your well intentioned, yet deeply flawed, advice to deny the affair.

Shaggy, wishing you all the best in your future endeavors and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,

Allie Rubenstein

P.S. To all the Jews out there, shanah tovah! Now is the time to repent if it was you.